Theo Von Quotes Page 3

“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”

“Sometimes I wish my balls were square so I could stack em.”

“Spring is when winter gets kind of lazy.”

“Stephanie I think her name was, or Jessica, which is basically the same name. Can we shut one of those names down?”

“Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful.”

“Surround yourself with positive people who uplift and inspire you.”

“Talking with Jordan Peterson is like getting beat with a f*cking dictionary.”

“That's the thing about being alone. It's not that you feel like you don't have anybody. It's like you feel like nobody has you.”

“The ferret, the limousine of rodents.”

“There was a rumor in my town that I beat Down syndrome.”

“They got some transcripts from the Mayflower. A lot of people were like: Yeah motherf*cker, we goin' to America!”

“They made hot dog buns so you don’t gotta put your lips on the wiener… My granddaddy taught me that.”

“We are all like 11% gay.”

“When I see somebody in a Prius, sure, you drive a Prius and you get good gas mileage, but you probably feel like you drive a Prius.”

“Where I’m from, if you see two mentals huggin', you call the cops.”

“You are an inmate who is not locked up if your eating ice cream with a fork.”

“You can always come back. Throughout my life I've been back home to my Louisiana home fifty times.

You can always come back. Whatever that thing is, that's a possibility.

Go grab that b*tches by the nut. Smoke my natch man, you gotta get out. Whatever it is, ask her out.”

“You can’t change the past, but you can create a better future.”

“You don’t need a map to get lost in life; you just need an open mind.”

“You know a lot of people smoke crack on St. Patrick's Day. And it has nothing to do with being Irish or anything or nothing about luck.”

“You think the wind is trying to tell us something, but we don’t know how to hear it no more?”

“You're not going to make a blockbuster if you can't make just a regular buster first.”

“Your toes are like ten small little Floridas just hanging off your body.”

“I ain’t being gay. There’s already too many gays out there! 90,000 maybe.”

“If you look at me from the side, I look like I have a little bit of Down syndrome.

And I can make that joke because I actually beat Down syndrome in 1991.

I’m in remission. Praise God, baby.”

“Lee Harvey Oswald went to our middle school. True story.

Pistol Pete Maravich lived and died in our town. So, two good shooters.”

“Now they have 100 machines for women at the gym.

When I was young they had four machines at the gym for ladies, and three of ‘em were stoves!”

“They're just jokes, people. They can't all be funny.”

“Dude, you know no two *assholes are the same? It's like a fingerprint.”

“I feel like a sword just came on me.”