Tommy Cooper Quotes

“'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'”

“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking.”

“A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: “Did you put anything on it?” I said: “No, he liked it as it was.”

“A dyslexic man walks into a bra.”

“A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.”

“A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.”

“A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

“A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.”

“A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on that.”

“A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. The man says, “Doc, what can you give me?” The doctor says, “A hard-boiled egg.”

“A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.”

“A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said, “Well, don’t go there anymore.”

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five pen*ses." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove.”

“A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

“A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

“A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, “Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.” He said, “An alarm clock? Does it bother him?” She said: “It doesn’t bother him, but it bothers me.” He said, “Why?” She said: “Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.”

“A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'”

“Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”

“Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullsh*t before.”

“Gambling has really brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.”

“I always call a spade a spade. Until the other night, when I stepped on one in the dark.”

“I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an airplane backing into a mountain.”

“I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.”

“I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.”

“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”

“I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.”

“I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?”

“I tried water polo but my horse drowned.”

“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.”

“I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'”