Tommy Cooper Quotes
“'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'”
“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking.”
“A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: “Did you put anything on it?” I said: “No, he liked it as it was.”
“A dyslexic man walks into a bra.”
“A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.”
“A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.”
“A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
“A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.”
“A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on that.”
“A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. The man says, “Doc, what can you give me?” The doctor says, “A hard-boiled egg.”
“A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.”
“A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said, “Well, don’t go there anymore.”
“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove.”
“A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
“A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
“A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, “Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.” He said, “An alarm clock? Does it bother him?” She said: “It doesn’t bother him, but it bothers me.” He said, “Why?” She said: “Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.”
“A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'”
“Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”
“Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.”
“Gambling has really brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.”
“I always call a spade a spade. Until the other night, when I stepped on one in the dark.”
“I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an airplane backing into a mountain.”
“I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.”
“I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.”
“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”
“I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.”
“I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?”
“I tried water polo but my horse drowned.”
“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.”
“I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'”
“I went to a fortune teller. She looked at my hands and said: “Your future looks pretty black.”
I said: “I’ve still got my gloves on.”
“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.”
“I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
“I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.”
“I went to the doctors. He said, “I’d like you to lie on the couch.” I said, “What for?” He said, “I’d like to sweep the floor.”
“I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.”
“I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!”
“I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!”
“It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”
“Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”
“My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath. But I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath.”
“My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.”
“My wife had a go at me last night. She said, You'll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.”
“My wife said, “Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.” I said, “Chocolate fudge.”
“My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: “I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.” She said: “You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.”
“My wife was looking through a fashion magazine, and she saw a fur coat. She said, “I want that.” So I cut it out and gave it to her.”
“Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you’re getting what’s coming to you.”
“Never trust an undertaker. He’ll always let you down.”
“One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. “Can’t you ring your bell?” she said. “I can ring my bell,” I said. “But I can’t ride my bike.”
“People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t climb a telephone pole.”
“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”
“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.”
“So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".”
“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".”
“So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms.”
“This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: “I’m leaving you all my money.” The nephew said: “Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?” He said: “Get your foot off my oxygen tube.”
“Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.”
“Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'”
“Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bastard!”
“Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.”
“Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.”
“Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.”
“What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody’s fool.”
“When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: “If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.” I grabbed the nurse!”
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'”