Tommy Cooper quotes

“'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'”

Tommy Cooper

“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking.”

Tommy Cooper

“A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: “Did you put anything on it?” I said: “No, he liked it as it was.”

Tommy Cooper

“A dyslexic man walks into a bra.”

Tommy Cooper

“A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.”

Tommy Cooper

“A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.”

Tommy Cooper

“A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on that.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. The man says, “Doc, what can you give me?” The doctor says, “A hard-boiled egg.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said, “Well, don’t go there anymore.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove.”

Tommy Cooper

“A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

Tommy Cooper

“A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Tommy Cooper

“A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, “Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.” He said, “An alarm clock? Does it bother him?” She said: “It doesn’t bother him, but it bothers me.” He said, “Why?” She said: “Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.”

Tommy Cooper

“A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'”

Tommy Cooper

“Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”

Tommy Cooper

“Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.”

Tommy Cooper

“Gambling has really brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.”

Tommy Cooper

“I always call a spade a spade. Until the other night, when I stepped on one in the dark.”

Tommy Cooper

“I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an airplane backing into a mountain.”

Tommy Cooper

“I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.”

Tommy Cooper

“I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.”

Tommy Cooper

“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”

Tommy Cooper

“I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.”

Tommy Cooper

“I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?”

Tommy Cooper

“I tried water polo but my horse drowned.”

Tommy Cooper

“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.”

Tommy Cooper

“I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'”

Tommy Cooper

“I went to a fortune teller. She looked at my hands and said: “Your future looks pretty black.”
I said: “I’ve still got my gloves on.”

Tommy Cooper

“I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.”

Tommy Cooper

“I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Tommy Cooper

“I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.”

Tommy Cooper

“I went to the doctors. He said, “I’d like you to lie on the couch.” I said, “What for?” He said, “I’d like to sweep the floor.”

Tommy Cooper

“I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.”

Tommy Cooper

“I've been on the whisky diet - I've already lost three days!”

Tommy Cooper

“I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!”

Tommy Cooper

“It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaagghhhh!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”

Tommy Cooper

“Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”

Tommy Cooper

“My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath. But I couldn’t even finish drinking the hot bath.”

Tommy Cooper

“My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.”

Tommy Cooper

“My wife had a go at me last night. She said, You'll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.”

Tommy Cooper

“My wife said, “Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.” I said, “Chocolate fudge.”

Tommy Cooper

“My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: “I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.” She said: “You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.”

Tommy Cooper

“My wife was looking through a fashion magazine, and she saw a fur coat. She said, “I want that.” So I cut it out and gave it to her.”

Tommy Cooper

“Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad you’re getting what’s coming to you.”

Tommy Cooper

“Never trust an undertaker. He’ll always let you down.”

Tommy Cooper

“One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an old lady down. “Can’t you ring your bell?” she said. “I can ring my bell,” I said. “But I can’t ride my bike.”

Tommy Cooper

“People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t climb a telephone pole.”

Tommy Cooper

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

Tommy Cooper

“So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'. She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.”

Tommy Cooper

“So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".”

Tommy Cooper

“So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".”

Tommy Cooper

“So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "Break my arms.”

Tommy Cooper

“This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: “I’m leaving you all my money.” The nephew said: “Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?” He said: “Get your foot off my oxygen tube.”

Tommy Cooper

“Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.”

Tommy Cooper

“Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'”

Tommy Cooper

“Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bastard!”

Tommy Cooper

“Two fish in a tank, one says to the other - you drive I'll man the guns.”

Tommy Cooper

“Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.”

Tommy Cooper

“Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.”

Tommy Cooper

“What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody’s fool.”

Tommy Cooper

“When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: “If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.” I grabbed the nurse!”

Tommy Cooper

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'”

Tommy Cooper