Tommy Cooper Quotes

Who is Tommy Cooper?

Thomas Frederick Cooper was a Welsh-born prop comedian and magician.

Cooper is known for his silly jokes, failed magic tricks and red fez.

Born March 19, 1921
Died April 15, 1984

Books by Tommy Cooper


Best 65 Quotes by Tommy Cooper | Page 1 of 3

“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: "Can I help, sir?"
"No thanks," says the blind bloke. "Just looking.”

Tommy Cooper

“'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.'”

Tommy Cooper

“A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: “Did you put anything on it?” I said: “No, he liked it as it was.”

Tommy Cooper

“A dyslexic man walks into a bra.”

Tommy Cooper

“A friend of mine drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.”

Tommy Cooper

“A guy walks into a pub with a lump of asphalt on His shoulder, He says to the bar man give us a pint and one for the road.”

Tommy Cooper

“A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

Tommy Cooper

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“A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on that.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. The man says, “Doc, what can you give me?” The doctor says, “A hard-boiled egg.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said, “Well, don’t go there anymore.”

Tommy Cooper

“A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove.”

Tommy Cooper

“A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

Tommy Cooper

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“A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Tommy Cooper

“A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, “Doctor, my little boy has swallowed an alarm clock.” He said, “An alarm clock? Does it bother him?” She said: “It doesn’t bother him, but it bothers me.” He said, “Why?” She said: “Well, every time I go to wind it up, he bites my finger.”

Tommy Cooper

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“I have not been that wise. Health I have taken for granted. Love I have demanded, perhaps too much and too often. As for money, I have only realized its true worth when I didn't have it.”


More quotes by Hedy Lamarr

“A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'”

Tommy Cooper

“Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”

Tommy Cooper

“Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.”

Tommy Cooper

“Gambling has really brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.”

Tommy Cooper

“I always call a spade a spade. Until the other night, when I stepped on one in the dark.”

Tommy Cooper

“I always sit in the tail end of a plane, always. You never hear of an airplane backing into a mountain.”

Tommy Cooper

“I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.”

Tommy Cooper

“I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy.”

Tommy Cooper

“I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.”

Tommy Cooper

“I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.”

Tommy Cooper

“I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was supposed to blow in the small end?”

Tommy Cooper

“I tried water polo but my horse drowned.”

Tommy Cooper

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“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.”

Tommy Cooper

“I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'”

Tommy Cooper