Woody Allen Quotes

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

“Eighty percent of success is showing up.”

“I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.”

“I don't want to achieve immortality through my work... I want to achieve it through not dying.”

“I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.”

“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.”

“If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.”

“It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.”

“Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.”

“Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.”

“My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.”

“The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have. ”

“What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.”

“When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.”

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.”

“Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.”